On Men and Manners

The state of young men in society today is wayward at best, appalling at worst. In an ever-changing world, many men are clueless about comportment and establishing their place. Rites of passage for manhood no longer exist, and most scoff at the idea of trading in their hoodie and sweatpants for suits and separates. In terms of dating and politesse, too, modern men have a lot to answer to. In fact, they’re not so modern at all.

David Coggins (Photo: Carmen Chan for The Rake Japan).

Full disclosure: At 25, I am one of these young men, and I shake my head daily at my misguided brethren. If other young men were wise, or had an iota of common sense, they’d heed the advice of David Coggins and read his new book, Men and Manners. More disclosure: I’ve met Coggins thrice, briefly. Once was at a book signing and twice were as a sales associate. I goofed the first time and didn’t bring—or buy—a book to the event. I wanted to glean Coggins’ wisdom, and I didn’t realize how gauche and impolite my blunder was. While I considered his response chilly at the time, he gave me 30 seconds of advice that set in motion my move to New York. As a customer at the store I work at, Coggins is always gracious and polite, and dare I say better dressed than most men who come through. If anyone questions why he should be the person to write a book on manners, it’s because his are excellent, learned through trial and error (as he admits). At 42, Coggins is still of the times, yet old enough to remember an analog day and age when we weren’t tethered to our smartphones, where people knew how to carry on a conversation, and when the dress code mattered. His understanding of how classic mores can reshape for modern times is what makes Men and Manners an indispensable companion that belongs on your bookshelves.

Note the resemblance.

Mistakenly, I thought Men and Manners would focus more on the etiquette side of manners rather than the manner in which we conduct ourselves. For the former, Coggins suggests picking up the classic 1961 tome Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers, declaring it a suitable guide for all ages (note how much Rene Ricard’s chapbooks resemble the cover, too). Etiquette signifies inherited codes, whereas manners take the long view as a series of customary characteristics and personality traits. Then again, if you read close enough and between the lines, Coggins does answer key etiquette questions, though not in the preachy way where you’ll feel bad if you set your table incorrectly. Heck, Coggins doesn’t mention that at all (though please don’t use your salad fork for steak).

Some might also find Men and Manners New York specific, or catering toward more cosmopolitan cities. On that count they’re right. I’m not bothered by this, as I’m writing this from my fifth-floor walk-up on the Upper West Side (with a view of Zabar’s), but I understand if men in middle America, the south, or the west coast feel excluded. Coggins name-checks certain liquor stores, tailors, restaurants, and museums that he patronizes, and readers may find this elitist or esoteric if they’re unfamiliar with these places. Hopefully, instead, it inspires curiosity and encourages readers to track down similar places in their hometown.

Coggins isn’t advocating an exclusive East Coast prep school gentility, however. He grew up in Minneapolis and spends half the year traveling the world. Having been more than a few places, he’s the elegant older brother you never had, teaching you the ways of the world, Negroni in hand. He gets that we’re not returning to the decorum of “a 1950s dinner party on the Upper East Side. He’s “not trying to drain your life of fun or lecture about which fork to use.” Frankly, life is more fun when you’re better manned. And you can get away with more.

Men need a manners book in this day and age precisely for that reason. Men across generations—especially Gen X’ers and millennials—suffer from arrested development. You shall know them by their whoops and hollers as they bar crawl across the Lower East Side and East Village, ruining character-filled neighborhoods with their middlebrow tastes and Peter Pan attitudes. They avoid growing up, they don’t treat the help well, and they consider women sex toys. These are not men; they’re barbarians, though some are not beyond the point of saving if they read Men and Manners.

As societies change, the manners of past eras become less applicable. Though there’s still plenty of wisdom we can glean from antique etiquette books, the advent of digital communication—and with it, texting and online dating, among other modern normalities—presents a conundrum of its own. Getting sucked into the vortex of our smartphones, laptops, and tablets is easy, so how can we pull ourselves back into a state of presence that those around us will not only respect and admire, but be charmed by? Once upon a time, our only options of conversation were face-to-face, telephonically, via letter, or telegram. How I yearn for these days I never knew when I witness thousands of smartphone-addled zombies look at their screens each day while walking, commuting (I’m guilty of this one on occasion), and dining or drinking out with friends. While I’m in favor of dating apps because they help us meet people we may otherwise not, countless men use them as a testing ground for their latest ill-conceived pick-up line or blatant, creepy sexual advance. Surely we can act more human when swiping right, can’t we?

Coggins handles all these topics, among others, with aplomb. He even addresses topics that wouldn’t have been discussed in manners books of yore, because they were givens once upon a time. Such uncommon courtesies include dressing for the occasion, how to have a home (hint: “I respond to a man who has a comfortable chair, maybe even a beloved blanket, and a stack of Paris Reviews he’s been meaning to read for about five years.), toasting, host gifts, and writing thank-yous (hint: we should write them more often than we do). Whether their inclusion signifies how far we’ve fallen, or the necessity for establishing guidelines in a day and age where few things are cut and dry, is interpretable. Nevertheless, if you have a modicum of interest in comporting yourself better, or if you’re looking for the Trumpism antidote that will actually make America great again, Men and Manners will give you the jolt of politesse you never knew you were missing.